When I'm around people, no matter if it's one person or a group of 5, I prefer to listen. I don't do a good amount of talking. I'm not shy, but I'm not outgoing. I'm not scared of expressing my opinion or letting my voice be heard, I just prefer not to. I'm the kind of person that when I actually do choose to talk out loud, it startles people. Just because they aren't used to it. I like that. I don't want people to get sick of what I have to say. I believe that the less you talk, the more you're heard. It has its pros and cons. It's good because people actually do listen to you more...I think. But it's bad because you sort of brainwash yourself to think what you have to say isn't important. So that now when people ask "how are you?" I just say "I'm good, thanks", because I feel as if they honestly don't care how I'm really doing so I don't care to elaborate. This has started a problem in my life because I feel as if there is so much I want to tell people about myself that when I actually do burst with words that they get annoyed that I only talk about myself. I don't want to come off at conceited in any way because that is one thing I am definitely not. I'm not quiet so that I earn the image as "mysterious". I'm quiet because I feel like when I talk, everything I say is pointless. It's even gotten to the point where I will start a sentence and give up midway. Awful.
Another thing. I don't know how to talk to people. I had three best friends since kindergarten. I had them all the way up till about junior year in high school. Around this time is where people start to figure out who they are and where they belong. I quickly came to the conclusion that they only reason we were ever friends was because it was convenient. I spent every single day with these people. After school, every night, every waking moment. I felt no need to make other friends when they were always around. Besides we didn't have time for other friends when we were so wrapped up in what we were doing. At this point I was falling away from them. Their choices quickly turning into awful ides and their reputations turning toward the worst. I didn't want any part in their lives. Also I was afraid that I would be guilty by association so I quickly cut it off and told them we should go our separate ways. That sounds so easy but there is so much more than that. Anyway, after choosing to take my own path I realized this path was extremely lonely. Considering I never tried to make other friends, there wasn't any friends for me to fall back on. This is basically where I am now. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of people that I care about and tons that care about me. But I don't think I've made any friends independently. I always met people through people. And just recently did I make friends by myself which is the best feeling. But now I'm lost. Conversation is so hard and I am so vulnerable. I don't want to scare anyone away with my awkward comments or lack of communication skills.
I can't help that I would rather be alone then be around other people. Of course I get the urge to socialize every once in a while...but a recluse is who I am. And me being this way isn't helping me in the social regions of my life. I can not wait to break these chains. I cant wait to move away and start over...maybe not being so reclusive. I live in this bubble. A tiny bubble in only which I can fit in. I need someone to intrude or pop my bubble. But recently...I felt as if it's gotten thinner. Which is a good thing.
On another level, I need to get back into photography. It's not that I've fell out of it, it's just the inspiration has dried and there is a severe drought of artistic encouragement. Hopefully, when I move, it will then moisten my artistic sponge and from there on out I will explode with inspiration.
I also need to start drawing again. My art class took all my will away from me. But...since I stopped going to school, maybe I'll get the desire one day soon to regain my ability and surrender to the knight standing before my charcoal chamber.
I wish I could learn piano.
I wish I had more confidence.
I wish I didnt feel so worthless all the time.
I need to finish star trek season one.
Why am I such a loser.
1 comment:
Hmm :)
I resonate with what you are saying. You are writing words that I often think in my brain.
The art of listening is hard to master, but even harder is the art of talking when you are a listener. I often find myself exhausted after a conversation because it's emotionally draining to want to say certain things but battling mentally with myself about if it's worthwhile.
I'm introverted, and as individualistic as our society is, being introverted and reclusive is seen as a negative thing.
It's not.
Enjoy it, be who you are, do things that make your soul smile.
(:
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